Hey internet, it’s the one and only Deadpool and I’m here to tell you fine *website name* readers about my brand new video game ‘Deadpool’. Great name, right?

Originally some hack writer was going to do this preview/interview thing but, after careful consideration, I’ve decided to hold him hostage at gunpoint and do it myself. The lawyers aren’t happy about it but I like to think of it as ‘brand preservation’. And yes, I can type with one hand… thank you Playboy!

Does anyone even read things with this many words on the internet? It’s the internet! People are knocking themselves out, there’s pictures of adorable cats everywhere, and do you know how easy it is to find chicks naked? Anyways, let’s get this show on the road.

Obviously this is a game about yours truly; Wade Wilson, the Merc with a Mouth. I’ve been in a few games over the years: X-Men Legends 2, Marvel Ultimate Alliance, X-Men Origins: Wolverine (I was voiced by Goku in that one), and most recently I kicked all kinds of ass in Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. But this is the first game all about me. And it’s about. damn. time.

If you’re wondering why the skeletons at Marvel are finally letting me be the star of my own show, I think it might be have something to do with that movie that may or may not be happening. *Wink* *Wink*. And of course, they figured out they can make mucho dinero by cashing in on my popularity.

So, my game is a third-person action thing being made by the boffins at High Moon Studios. The same dudes that did the Transformers games you all expected to be complete garbage, but were actually quite good. Go out and buy them, these programmers could do with more money.

I’ve got High Moon’s Sean Miller, who is creative director on this here piece of software, with me for quotes. Apparently you video game journalist people like padding out these things with hokey quotes for context, flavour and that kinda crap. I got some! Hit it Sean.

“With Deadpool, Activision has this relationship with Marvel, I am a lifelong X-Men fan, I’ve loved them since I was a kid. When I saw there was an opportunity to play in that universe, we seized at it. But what we didn’t want to do was something that had been done over and over.

Says the man making a third-person action game… AMIRITE guys?

“If you do games based on Wolverine it has to be that character, you’re kind of limited because everybody knows that character.”

Careful buddy, you’re basically saying I’m a nobody…

“Here we had this character who was this flawed superhero, that was interesting. The idea that he was insane created this mixture of comedy and really visceral action. I love the visceral action but I also like to laugh, I don’t think we do that enough in games.

Obviously he hasn’t played Daikatana.

“We found that there were elements to Deadpool that we related to in that he’s flawed and I think there are elements of him that touch me as gamer, both in what he does and his kind of combat.”

WOAH! WOAH! WOAH there Mr. Game Developer. Lets not talk about me touching you. What he’s trying to say is that my game has ass whoopin’ parts, and I’ll bring the funnies too. It’s the classic Deadpool formula.

For example in one mission I have to go to Genosha, the mutant utopia that Magneto set up. Things have gone pretty sour over there, Mister Sinister is going all crazy scientist, talking about “purifying the mutant race” and other crazy crap that always earns him a beating. That techno vampire looking chump loves his clones, and Genosha has lots of mutant DNA laying about. Not good.

On the way there the X-Jet crash lands on the island, I don’t know who had their feet on that thing’s pedals but based on my flight experience I’m guessing Professor X; that joke is funny because he’s a paraplegic. Don’t be offended he’s a fictional character, and an asshole.

After the dust clears I notice the X-Babes are out cold, and you know what that means: creepshot time!

Wolverine’s unconscious too, so I slapped him about to wake him. He didn’t come to. So I slapped him around a bit more. Because I can, and because I get a bit aroused when I slap people. Each to their own. The slapping is a button-bashing quick time event, do gamers still hate those? I can’t keep up with what you people hate and don’t hate.

When the fun and games are over Deadpool takes care of business, and that means shooting and stabbing stuff. In my game combat is a seamless blend of styles, I’ve got my trusty swords – for stabby stabby – and more guns than I have licenses for. Each of these bad boys can be upgraded and has its own moves. You should see some of the moves I pull off, I’ve given them awesome names like “The Equaliser” and “Suck it Gravity”. If that doesn’t crack you up I make “pew pew” sounds when I fire my gun and kick people in the balls.

Tagging in Sean.

“Then there’s the more vulnerable state; he’s a guy that cracks wise. Why do people make people laugh? Because they want to be liked. There’s an element of that in the comics and it was fascinating to me.

“So we put together a pitch for what we thought would be a good Deadpool game and found that Marvel was interested in it too. When we did our prototype and showed them the mature take they dug in with both feet, which was fantastic. For me that’s been one of the best parts, I get to play in a universe that I’ve loved for 25 years.”

Jeez, short and sharp next time motor mouth.

Back to my adventures on Genosha! That place is littered with bullets, it’s almost like a trail leading me somewhere. Eventually I ran into Cable, who told me some stuff about the world ending and how it was all up to me to save everyone. I don’t really remember the specifics, I tune him out, or blow my own head off and hope that when I come too he’s gone. I have a crazy healing factor so it grows back as ugly as ever.

I woke up to find a note pinned to my chest telling me to meet him at the north end of the Island, where a large breasted, naked girl claiming to be my biggest fan was waiting for me. The next few minutes went something like this, except with more goons getting murdered:

There was no babe, but I did get to do a hilarious gag where I pilot a Sentinel’s boot and crush some enemies with it, then say “yo dawg, I heard you like boots, so I put my boots in this boot, so I can stomp ya, while I stomp ya”.

Aha, ha, ha. Ahhh Xzibit.. You had to be there. Sean, I’m losing them, give them some video game mumbo jumbo.

“Rocksteady grasped who Batman was, that’s why those games were so awesome. They made sure everything in the game supported who Batman was. In Bayonetta they had really smooth, slick mechanics, even though they were second or third generation mechanics, and they’d been developing them for a while.”

“I don’t necessarily look at them as competition as much as I do inspiration in creating experiences. I love the idea of creating an experience that’s more than just a single mechanic. That’s what we’re striving for with Deadpool, I think we’re achieving some success with that.

Batman? What the hell is a Batman? To Wikipedia!

Wait, he doesn’t have any powers? Just money? What. A. Loser.

Sean. SPEAK!

“It has to be a good action game, if it isn’t, you can have all the jokes in the world but it would get old fast. We’re gamers, we like to play, we need that feel, it needs to feel good, feel right.

“Batman is an icon, was well before I was born. I don’t think you can compare a character like that to one that started in the 90s. I want to attract new fans, but we’ve got to take baby steps in terms of that.

Again with the Batman! I don’t think we’ve spent enough time talking about me in this interview, Sean.

“Deadpool has a broader appeal than you might imagine, because he’s made cameos across genres. He’s hugely popular in Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, he resonated with people. So we’re appealing to a broader market of gamers, I don’t know if we’re going to drag in movie people and others, maybe we will but our Deadpool isn’t that movie guy anyway.”

Remember Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place? That was the last thing Ryan Reynolds did that didn’t make me want to kill him.

“On the first outing with a character like this you have to start with the essence of that character, appeal to the people that know that character. Together that becomes a base. Deadpool is a character that’s fun to talk about, it’s almost infectious, that’s why he’s risen in popularity recently. There’s a decent amount of recognition among gamers, those are the people we want to reach out to and have show up.”

“He’s a character that was genetically engineered to kick Wolverine and Spider-Man’s ass in a battle of brawn and wit.”

Damn right, but thanks to Dan Slott I don’t have to anymore. Spoilers: Peter Parker is a vegetable! Cry fanboys. Cry.

Alright Sean, wrap it up, my hand does get tired eventually you know.

“Deadpool is a guy that actually wants people to like him, and he likes other people. That personality is what defines him, it’s not just about making jokes. For me that’s what we need to develop, at the end of the day if you don’t like and want to hang out with Deadpool – despite the fact that he’s socially inappropriate, awkward, certifiably insane – we’ve failed.”

In short: Game is action game, stars best hero ever Deadpool, has shooting and cutting, is funny. I’m just going to go ahead and assume reviews will be brilliant and you’ll all be coughing up the cash come release day. I’ll get to work on my Game of the Year award acceptance speech. Deadpool out!